Vera Bradley Hates Women.

Vera Bradley bags are the most hideous objects on the planet. They look like old granny diaper bags. These provincial-pattered puke pillow purses in their hideous shades of "Nantucket Navy" and "Java Blue", when slung over the shoulder, shackle women to accouterment patterns of the cult of domesticity. Nothing screams, "No, really... I love washing dishes, vacuuming & faking orgasms," like a Vera Bradley bag. Just look at this nonsense:



For whatever reason, Vera Bradley purses are a burgeoning trend at my university. I cannot walk to my desk without nearly tripping over one of the quilted things, or stand inside an elevator without one smushing into me. As though the various knock-off incarnations of hideous khaki Burberry tartan weren't enough to bare, now I must endure the constant sight of horribly matched paisley floral patterns. As far as I am concerned, this is equally as tacky as an accessory with a designer's emblem or initials stamped all over them. It seems that carrying a purse that you actually like & happen to find attractive or functional is not enough--you must also display that you 1. paid a large sum of money for it or 2. want your generic version to pass as something that you paid a large some of money for.

To a more extreme extent, it seems to me that expensive designer handbags are a woman's equivalent of the stereotype of a man buying an expensive car. We assume the equation that: a man who drives a large & expensive car = small penis. ..but what does woman with a squishy, soft, warm & welcoming, ultra-feminine purse represent? Is it a public display of their metaphorical vagina? Hell, the word "purse" itself has been used as a euphemism for female genitalia. Who wants to walk around with a warm, squishy, floral vagina hanging off their shoulder? Especially if the outward manifestation is supposed to drastically contradict the actual item in question? Yikes.

Similarly, I cannot help but believe that these purses are tokens, meant to signify willingness to settle down and breed (again–DIAPER BAG) with any member of the male population on campus. It tells that the woman is willing, at any time, to be courted by the male, marry him, surrender her career and education by dropping out of college, pop out a few babies, only to be financially tethered to the male in the end. These purses send the very clear message of: "I will lie down on my bed, open my legs and think of England." Or, in this case, Nantucket.

Plus, ol' Vera bares a striking resemblance to Laura Bush...and you know that woman never finishes the race.